FIT FOR NOTHING

Squats. The even more painful Split Squats. Plank to Push-ups. Eh? Come again ? OK, lets try a Dumbbell Swing-through. Or if you're really feeling brave, how about a Swiss ball dumbbell bench press ? No? Not your thing ? Well how about the really sexy Dumbbell curl and press or the outlandish Oblique Plank Raises. Or as a last resort, the Bent-Over Row. OK, you can rest now.

Every day this week, the Top Peoples' Paper (I only get it for the crossword) has been running a series of pullouts (no, that's not an exercise) designed to Get You Fit. Every morning I have stared bleary-eyed over my breakfast egg at pictures of horribly fit individuals contorting themselves into impossible positions more suited to the Lovers' Guide, tightening their "gluts" for my benefit. "Gluts ?" Is there such a word ? Also the text is redolent with abs, dabs and - god save us - moobs. Even my famously eccentric Spellchecker doesn't recognise "moobs" and offers me "moons" instead. It might well be right.

I can't wait for next Thursday when, if I was following the prescribed fitness programme, I would be graciously allowed to do double the number of bodyweight squats. Imagine ! Mind you, the following day I am urged to run/row or cycle (wouldn't you just know cycling would come into it ?) for 20 minutes with 5 minutes warm up and a faintly mysterious "warm down" on each side. Sounds a bit like the cooking instructions for a nice medium rare steak.

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Of course being of sound mind, if not of completely sound body, I shall do none of this, from which you may deduce that I have absolutely no intention of subjecting my 70-year old body to this kind of punishment. Why should I ? I've done pretty well so far. "How did you manage to get athlete'sfoot ?" my sports master once asked me incredulously. Sensible man, he'd written me off as a fitness failure quite early on in our relationship.

Why do people do it ? Why do they fall for all this stuff about universal fitness ? What drives wild-eyed individuals to urge everyone to jig, jog and "zumba" (whatever that is) And to do so with the kind of Messianic zeal more normally associated with the Mad Mahdi. ? "Get fit" they cry. "Why?"

I ask you , what business is it of theirs what shape I'm in ? You can't live forever. The Angel of Death will not look more kindly upon me just because I did two dozen dumbbell curls and presses before breakfast. So, before you ask, no, I have made no New Year's resolutions. And certainly none about keeping fit. I'll die at my own pace, if you don't mind.